Reflections From A Body-Obsessed Girl

This was me back in 2010. Yes, I am sunburnt. That year, three female friends and I went on a last minute trip to Cuba. None of us had travelled together before or spent much time together as a group, but we all wanted one thing: fun in the sun. I was also set to get married later that year.

So why am I sharing this photo?

Besides showing my vulnerable side, this picture reminds me of how restrictive I was. I worked out…a lot. I did Beach Body’s Insanity with Shawn T and P90X with Tony Horton, ran marathons and hit up the gym on a frequent basis. I worked out harder, more intensely and more frequently than I do now. All I cared about was volume. My eating habits were restrictive too, though I thought I was eating ‘balanced’ and in a way that was going to make me lose weight and finally, FINALLY be body-confident.

So back to the Cuba trip. Two girls do not really have a weight issue and seem to be able to eat whatever they want and not work out at all. My other friend and I were body conscious, and both worked out hard and ate restrictively. The trip was a disaster! It became about my obsession over food choices and being too self-conscious to lay in the sun and walk around in my bikini. Every time we hit the dining hall, it was as if a famine had struck – there were no food options for me. The drinks had excessive calories, which made us cautious about how much we drank. The trip was not enjoyable. For me, or for the other three.

So why am I sharing this story?

Because at the time, I didn’t see it. Like skating across a frozen lake and not seeing the thin ice ahead and falling in. I did not see how restrictive I was with my food choices and how my obsessive behaviour was ruining the trip for everyone else. I thought that they were in the wrong for not understanding me and my goals. I thought that doing more was the key and I didn’t care about doing it well, resting or doing what was optimal for me to meet my goals. I thought I knew best. They say that when you are in it, you have blinders on. Somehow, I thought that rule didn’t apply to me.

I wish I knew what I know now. I wish that I had been more flexible, had been in the moment and enjoyed the trip and my friends company. I wish that I trusted myself enough to let go of control, ask for help and find a way to relax. That trip does not represent a fun girls’ trip in the sun with shenanigans. It represents a deep sadness for letting those moments pass by unappreciated. It also represents the progress I have made since then, and serves as a reminder to never go back to what I was.

I now work out with a different purpose in mind. I want to be strong. I want to keep up with the AOT Warriors in my classes. I want to see what I am capable of doing. I can lift heavier than I did then. I can run farther than ever. I am STRONGER! I am rarely motivated by the thought of changing my body. I say rarely because old thought patterns do creep in from time to time. I also know now that I am more than my body. When it comes to nutrition, I focus more on health than the sake of being thinner or looking a certain way. I understand on multiple levels how to fuel my body for better performance in the gym so that I have enough energy to maintain my busy pace of life. That is more important to me. I have learned to trust myself and embrace the body I was given and the strength I have gained. I have other interests and hobbies that make me whole. I have learned a lot about myself since 2010, and imagine by 2020 I will have learned even more.

I still have glimpses of the girl in this picture from time to time. But it is just that, a glimpse and then she is gone because the vision of who I am today is much stronger.

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ABOUT THE COACH COACH CINDY POLE OWNER OF ALL OUT TRAINING Level 1 Precision Nutrition Coach, Core Confidence Coach "I understand that sustainable health habits come from a place of self-love and ones greatest hurdle is not what you eat or how you exercise but how you view yourself. To find true happiness with yourself and in your body, you must start with your mindset. Change the inner dialogue. Change your life." All Out Training exists to help people frustrated with their fitness levels and those with an unhealthy relationship with food to develop the skills needed to maintain a healthier lifestyle so they can lose weight, move better, feel stronger, have more self-confidence, and, ultimately, feel their best.We are anti-dieting. All Out Training offers in-person classes from small groups to bootcamps as well as 3 online coaching programs & downloadable programs & resources. Learn more about your Coach and All Out Training